Dystopian Hellscape: Day 90
Supreme Court Betrayals, Biometric Big Brother, and the Head Start Hit Job
It’s Saturday and MAGA Republicans are clutching their pearls and shouting “Supreme Coup!”—which is a wild accusation from folks who still refer to January 6 as “a misunderstood walking tour.” Why the drama? Because the Supreme Court had the audacity to block the Trump administration from using the Alien Enemies Act to mass-deport foreign nationals like it’s the 18th century and powdered wigs are back in style.
Justices Thomas and Alito dissented, presumably while humming the national anthem backward and scribbling "Down with Due Process" in their diaries.
The MAGA base is furious—but not at the ruling itself. No, the real betrayal, they say, came from Chief Justice Roberts, Justice Kavanaugh, and Justice Neil “I swear I’m originalist” Gorsuch. The pitchforks are out, and this time they're pointed at their own handpicked judicial boy band.
Meanwhile, a classified National Intelligence Council report has leaked (thanks, Deep State!) showing exactly zero evidence for Trump’s claim that Venezuela is controlling the Tren de Aragua gang to invade the U.S. Spoiler alert: there’s no mustache-twirling Venezuelan mastermind directing prison gangs across the Rio Grande. The administration’s entire legal basis for the Alien Enemies Act just collapsed like a Trump-branded casino.
But wait—there’s more!
The Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE)—yes, that's the actual acronym and no, it’s not a joke from Veep—is building a surveillance apparatus by merging biometric and personal data from Homeland Security, the IRS, and the Social Security Administration. According to Wired, this is the kind of data grab that would make the NSA blush and Edward Snowden rise from exile just to say, “Told you so.”
Quoting one senior DHS official: “They are trying to amass a huge amount of data.” Translation: Big Brother is here, and he brought your tax returns, your fingerprints, and that one embarrassing Facebook status from 2009.
In a scene straight out of bureaucratic farce, Harvard received a scathing letter from the Trump administration last Friday—a letter officials now say was sent "in error." But like a toxic ex who texts "I hate you" and then doubles down, the administration is standing by the letter anyway. Why? Because Harvard made the drama public. How dare they tell the truth.
Elsewhere in Trumpworld, a story broke about Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent literally waiting for Peter Navarro to get distracted before sprinting into the Oval Office with Howard Lutnick to stop another round of Trump Tariff Roulette. They made it just in time, sealing the deal moments before Trump could hit “POST” on Truth Social. America’s economy, now powered by slapstick.
On the civil rights front, a federal judge blocked a Trump administration attempt to erase trans Americans from passport recognition. A rare moment of sanity in an otherwise relentless spiral of retrograde policy proposals. Small wins, people. Small wins.
Meanwhile, the administration is proposing to gut Head Start, because apparently affordable early education for half a million low-income children is a bit too... socialist? The plan was buried deep in a draft budget, like a shameful secret. Honestly, it’s giving Ebenezer Scrooge with a side of Betsy DeVos.
And in the “wait, are we actually doing martial law now?” department: the Pentagon and DHS are not yet recommending Trump deploy the military for immigration enforcement. A memo from Pete Hegseth and Kristi Noem—two people who should never share a memo—will say the power isn’t needed yet. Translation: hold onto your helmets.
Finally, in a tiny glimmer of humanity, a federal judge ordered the Trump administration to transfer a Tufts student out of a Louisiana immigration detention facility and into Vermont—marking yet another legal rebuke of the administration’s ever-expanding war on immigrants, students, and apparently, basic decency.
Welcome to the Dystopian Hellscape. Where the government sends letters by accident, builds spy networks on purpose, and plans to “fix education” by cutting preschool for poor kids.
But hey—at least we’ve still got satire. For now.
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